One of those “DAYS”

One of those “DAYS”

When you are dealing with other humans sometimes things can be difficult especially of those who are caught up in the heroin and meth addictions. Being A parent the hardest thing in my life, is to see my children go thru the addiction process. And the saying – ” You can lead a horse to water but can’t make them drink” is totally true.

The struggle is real not only for those addicted but for those who are loved one’s trying to help. There really isn’t anything you can do, I have realized this. It breaks my heart! And as much as I would like to blame everyone else even myself…there is no one blame. I just torture myself thinking that If I could just let them have it whoever they are!!!  that would solve everything. Okay….it doen’t.

Just recently I had a friend of mine call me. I would like to think he was a good friend known him for years and he would help me out if I needed it. Plumbing problems car problems etc… He called me to tell me that my daughter owed him money. So… like “for what”?  A Substantial amount of money. He reluctantly began to tell me that, being totally weird about it, she had owed him money for prescriptions drugs. Him and I had talked about this that she had a heroin problem and about my struggles with the grandchildren and such I felt a bit betrayed and I became furious. I told him what the hell? Stop giving her pills she doesn’t have any money and So… I’m not paying for it! 

 He knew I had been raising my grandchildren for 8 months my money was strapped. I became mean and told him to be, “a part of the solution, instead of the problem”. 

 For days after he tried to contact me I would just respond by a text saying I was busy. He needed help with his garden and had been sick for sometime I would also help him when he was down…. Well to make this brief….. He ended up dying in his sleep a couple days later. He had been my friend for years and not a “lover friend” just a friend, like a brother. I felt bad for not responding and now well….

The people that are selling this stuff don’t care that they are destroying someones life or that they might have children that are being neglected they just want the money or junk anything of value. So those addicted begin to steal etc.

 In my house I had to start boxing things up and put them in storage and take my family heirlooms jewelry to my friends house. Basically lived with the lies and fear couldn’t sleep at night. Many things stolen from me, power tools, videos anything that the pawn shop would take. The grand children had nothing left because their parents had pawned all their gaming systems, games, TVs whatever was worth anything even clothes they would take to the consignment shop.

My daughters 2 of them would bring strangers to my house. And when asked not to because it was late and the kids had school, some of them the next day, the verbal abuse would start, the yelling, things being broke etc. I Had five of my grand babies at that time I’d give their mothers money for groceries and they would just disappear……………. Not answer their phones nothing.  Then days later show up trashed, violent and verbally abusive not only to me but the children also.  

When I would ask for the money for the grocies they would continue with some BS story why they hadn’t gone to the store and why they didn’t have the money, But would then be asking for more money because they had some lie why they needed it. Extremely messy  stand in front of the mirror for hours picking at their faces. I would say don’t do drugs in my house they would anyway. Called police… They would say, it’s not against the law.

Sometimes these girls would be gone for weeks. My grandchildren wouldn’t even ask  for their moms or about them. They just clung to me. I struggled financially be came a regular at the food bank. I would ask for the food cards to buy groceries from my daughters and these girls would trade their food benefits from the state for heroin or meth. The “dealers” were eating better than my grandchildren.

This went on for about 2 years for me. I thought I was gonna lose my mind. I cried felt like I had no one or no one to turn to. 

I desparetly started trying to get in touch with the fathers.  Looking for support from them, who I knew were paying child support.  I was being threatened to have my electricity shut off.  The childsupport money was going for drugs. I don’t have any proof but….. Its was difficult for me, all of this, I did not want to betray my daughters. I needed some Help!!!

One father came and took his boys. He had no one ideal what was going on. Which helped but I miss them. They are in a good place. Another father came and took one granddaughter she’s in a good environment. Another father has my other granddaughter she’s in a good place her little half sister is in foster care. In Washington state grandparents have no Rights. I only had her for 6mo. But it is a wonderful home and they are in touch with me regarding every aspect of her life. They are giving her a life that I could never. I feel blessed.

But my two “littles” are with their parents who still use and I worry about them constantly. The father seems to think that he is a woman now, thanks to meth and is continually playing dress up. I pay the bills for their household because I don’t want my granddaughters homeless like before and dragged around to dope houses while their mother is totally incoherent. Now she just leaves them with their dad who is in front of the mirror all the time putting on makeup.

I have actually just recently been ban from there, because I called the police for a well child check. My daughter would not answer my calls. The mom “my daughter” was gone chasing,”dope and dick”, I like to call it. I know, a little harsh but……. I love her so much but there’s no talking to her she has become someone else. Has problems with the law, steals all time it’s just a matter of time before she ends up in jail like her other 2 sisters. She doesn’t want to talk to me. I know that I am pushy and call it like it is. She needs help but I guess she’ll be the one to realize that, when she’s ready.

Hopefully the dad will as I told him “drop your pants and what ya got hanging?” boom!!! that’s what you are. A man, will clean his act up and give those girls the up bringing they deserve every child needs to know they are worth more than anything in the world!!

My story is this…. I almost lost everything… I had to sell my business and my home just to recover from it all.  So… homeless now, don’t have a job. I am staying with a friend but this can not keep going on, at 58 years of age, I need to go home somewhere but my funds are dwindling because I continue to support my daughter and her family, for “the children”. I’m not sure if its really helping. Some input from someone would be nice. I am putting myself out and I’m starting to worry about my future. I am not getting any younger. I have worked hard for everything that I own. And I started getting tired and have a bucket list like so many, before I leave the planet.

Three of my daughters still continue to live on the street, in their cars chasing dope. Living the “life”.

When they were born I saw different for them. I have never my wildest dreams for a moment thought that they would be what they have become now. I tried my hardest at my parenting: did not do drugs, did not drink, was always there for them was involved in their schools, sports and music events. Anything they wanted to be involved in I made it happen like modeling ballet gymnastics etc….. I would let them have sleep overs, movie nights with friends,,, I tried to provide them with everything I could. I did get all of them thru high school and college. They were doing so well!!! I was so proud and then things started to change and this is where it’s at now.

It doesn’t matter, what type of parent I was. I would of like to think I set a good example, but realistically it would have not mattered. I keep saying to myself, “what if I would have done this differently, or that, or aahhhhhh”! Nothing I could have done. I guess, it is what it wasn’t?

I realize now that I have to let go, they are adults and I am not real good at the “tough love” thing. I am basically, a push over. I do want to be available for my grandchildren and at this momentt, I’ve started to working on getting my own home, so there will be a home available to them if need be.

Parents are not welcome this time tho, they are disrespectful, lie you cant believe anything they tell you and will use me up until there is nothing left. The violence that is associated with the drugs is extremely unbearable and at this time or ever, will not be tolerated.

So now I wait and think on good things provide spiritual protection for my grandchildren and adult children until they discover,”the truth”

After all; “the truth will set you free”.

October 16, 2018

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